By Dan Mackie
For the Valley News

 Dear Kate and William:

 I believe I speak on behalf of the entire United States, and especially the Upper Valley of New Hampshire and Vermont, when I say: Loved the dress, loved the kiss, loved it all.

 This is a little awkward, but when in the course of human events it becomes necessary to admit a mistake, well, you just have to declare the truths that are self-evident and unburden your heart. So, your royal highnesses, it comes to this:

 Take us back. Please.

  Yes, we are ready to be loyal subjects once again. God save the Queen. God save Kate’s dress maker. God save the BBC (and those remote cameras).

 The royal wedding has persuaded your former peoples that we may have erred in 1776 when we set off in pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. Oh, we commoners did all right for a couple hundred years or more, but it’s clear that in 2011 we’ve made a bloody mess of it.

 Your wedding was utterly perfect – a pretty bride, a dashing husband, posh women in extravagant hats. Not to mention the coaches, the horse soldiers, and the cute little royals who looked like they must have been extras from the Harry Potter films.

 We the people couldn’t resist. We roused ourselves from our beds before dawn to supplicate ourselves in front of our televisions. We wore tiaras and, when nothing else was available, paper crowns from Burger King. We waved the Union Jack. We oohed and aahed, and when the announcers said it was “magical’’ and “a fairy tale,’’ we believed.

 Meanwhile, here in the colonies, our own television coverage featured a week of a much less edifying sight. Rather than grace and grandeur, we saw the blighted hair (the color and texture of a decaying coconut) of one Donald Trump, who comes to his claims of elevated class via Atlantic City.

 Mr. Trump, we are loathe to recall, was demanding that our president produce a detailed birth certificate to prove that he wouldn’t more rightly be holding high office in Kenya. Is Mr. Trump the president of the Senate? Speaker of the House? Emissary of the Supreme Court? No, he is host of the “Celebrity Apprentice,’’ a television show on which personalities of low rank compete for whatever it is that celebrities desire: gold, Hollywood estates, TV spin-offs.  And Mr. Trump is apparently contemplating a run for the highest office in our land, reflecting the divine right of fame, or infamy.

 Mr. Trump’s prominence on the national stage, and the interminable quarrels of Congress, persuade us that the republic is in a sorry state. The Madness of King George was a minor mood disorder compared to this.

 Gone are the nobles from our shores, replaced by mere celebrities. You have the House of Lords, we have rehab. Our social “betters’’ are a ruinous collection of tattooed philanderers who compose their personal morality by the hour. And “reality’’ television is creating a new assemblage who are even worse.

  So, as the founders might have said, we humbly beseech thee. We add: Pretty please?

  I’m quite sure you would like the Upper Valley, Kate and William. Local place names are familiar: Norwich, Cornish, Thetford, and so on. The King’s Highway still exists here, but vulgar interstates have made it a minor route. There are some King’s Pines about, although we doubt your majesties still require wooden masts for the Royal Navy. (Look in the Privy Council records; New Hampshire forests once helped Britannia rule the waves.)

 The colonies would come with some baggage. The sun rises and sets on our national debt. Our cars are rather large and so are our midsections; something about fast food or corn syrup or something. We get along well with your subjects in Canada, but our relations with much of the rest of the world are rather strained. The whole empire business isn’t as glorious as it once was.

 You might be glad to know that many of us still speak English, although it isn’t altogether the King’s English. You know the naughty language parts of “The King’s Speech” film? That’s pretty much the standard now.

 We know we can’t demand reparations or any such thing, but we would like some royal tokens for the occasion. We could use some of those double-decker buses here in the Upper Valley, and some red phone booths. A British charm offensive would be just the thing. We need butlers post-haste; service has become unreliable. We also yearn for new British comedies for Vermont Public Television; the color in the broadcast reruns is starting to look like something from old home movies.

 To be candid, there are some on our shores who aren’t on board with the idea of reunification. Some naysayers said the wedding coverage was “too much’’ and “irrelevant.” They claimed that they could care less about it, when what they really meant was that they couldn’t care less. (Grammar has suffered grievously.)

  No need to answer right away; enjoy your honeymoon and your new life. And be sure to alert us about any baby news. Although technically we are your disloyal former subjects, we are sure we can put that whole Tea Party thing behind us.

The writer lives in West Lebanon. He can be reached at dan.mackie@yahoo.com.