By Dan Mackie
For the Valley News
This year I considered altering my end-of-the-year routine. Of late I’ve written “year in advance’’ columns, but they have been so eerily accurate that people complained that removing the element of surprise takes much of the spice out of life.
Astute readers of last year’s column can confirm that taking the third letter from the second word of every other sentence gave the following result: “Balloon boy hoax will captivate America.’’ Similarly coded messages included “Economy in coma; Octomom gets own show’’ and “Congress lays egg, calls it reform.”
I considered taking a look back at 2009 instead, but I realized I could only serve a thin soup. My middle-aged brain is challenged to recall the cavalcade of facts. Even sadder, there’s no room in my noggin for new pop culture references. After the Budweiser frogs (circa 1995) and Who Let the Dogs Out? (2000), everything is a complete blank. Rihanna, Kanye, Shania — I don’t know who’s famous and who’s in rehab.
It actually is humbling to try to review a year’s events without notes or prompts. So much big news quickly fades like morning fog. Admit it, you remember that Michael Jackson died in 2009, and that President Obama was sworn in. Everything else is kind of fuzzy. Did someone from The Wizard of Oz pass away? The last Lollipop Kid? The final Flying Monkey? Didn’t some governor go missing because he was in love with a woman from Argentina? No, that sounds made up. Was that Dick Cheney on Dancing with the Stars? Did he hurt someone? Or did he shoot Newt Gingrich? If not, why not?
There were a whole bunch of scandals, culminating in the Disgrace of Tiger Woods, which was reported in a manner that suggests it will go down in history like the explosion of the Battleship Maine in Havana Harbor in 1898. (See, I remember the Maine, but not much else.)
The year 2009 featured war, pestilence (reality TV shows) and the hangover from the banking crisis/bailout. Near the end: a sad Saab story. Good-bye to a car model that made the trip to the Hanover Co-op more bearable for generations of Upper Valley drivers.
This was a year to be thankful you live in the Upper Valley, a small pond that’s calmer than national and international waters. Sure, Dartmouth’s own reality show, “Dancing with the Endowment,’’ has been curtailed, and it can’t find a way to balance the budget by laying off ever more janitors. But mostly, our local economy never boomed as much as others, so we’ve had a kinder, gentler bust.
Without further ado, here are some stories you will read in 2010. Some might be ignored by the “mainstream media,’’ but you can be sure they will come true. When necessary, so-called proof will be posted on the Internet, where proofs of all kind can be found.
 Made famous by regular coverage from Valley News writers, the Norwich town email service becomes a huge money-maker when “The Best of the Norwich Listserve’’ is published in book form. “People got tired of vampires and wizards,’’ explains a noted New York book critic. “But I don’t get it.”
 The Extreme Makeover Home Edition show spins off a new series, Extreme Surprise Makeover. The premise: the crew makes over the homes of unsuspecting people who are away on vacation. In an Upper Valley episode, they demolish a four-year old Etna McMansion and replace it with a modest bungalow. The astonished homeowners threaten to sue, but are mollified when they meet celebrity carpenters George Clooney, Alex Rodriguez, Paris Hilton, swim champ Michael Phelps and “that guy from the original show who always looks like he’s been up all night.’’
 The New Hampshire Department of Transportation announces it will open its Museum of Traffic Gridlock on Route 12A in West Lebanon. “It will be a drive-through, of course,’’ says outreach director Walter Stucken. “We’re very proud of the low-power radio broadcast system that will reach out to drivers on the roadway. Easy-listening music, subliminal messages to calm down … all that kind of stuff.”
 A difficult Town Meeting season concludes. In the annual Battle of the Clichéd Phrases, “We Have Champagne Tastes, and a Beer Budget’’ narrowly defeats “The Children Are Our Future.” Taxpayers spend countless hours making changes in the tiny areas that aren’t controlled by federal and state regulations, or contractual obligations. In six Upper Valley towns, they lay off the school janitor. In another five, they cut the janitor’s hours by one-third. Two towns vote to reduce cleaning supplies; another postpones replacement of the mop for another year. Lebanon forms a Janitorial Study Committee, and will put the issue to voters in 2011.

 Fairpoint, the troubled telephone service provider, gets $1 billion in federal stimulus money for infrastructure improvements. “We can’t promise high-speed Internet for everyone,’’ says spokesman Walter Hankup, “but these new crank phones from Bulgaria are really nifty.”

 A movement to have Ice Fishing added as a demonstration sport to the Winter Olympics is derailed by controversy over the use of PEB, performance enhancing beer.

 A Vermont TV weather person breaks down on the air when she’s jokingly blamed for a spell of rainy, dreary weather in the spring. “I’m not responsible,’’ wails weekend replacement Wendy Spritely. “I just read the National Weather Forecast. I DON’T MAKE IT HAPPEN!’’ Spritely’s career has been notable for the fact that she is often mistaken for a high school intern.

 Conservative Republicans finally unveil their alternative to healthcare reform. “It’s based on the school accident and life insurance that most American children were offered half a century ago,’’ says a congressional staffer who asked that his name not be used because “I have health insurance and you don’t, and insurance envy isn’t good for any of us.’’ America Rightward Insurance would bring back the body part lottery that amused many a schoolchild. Remember when one hand and one foot could net $5,000? Or an eye and an ear were good for $10,000? “People should earn their benefits,’’ says the unnamed congressional staffer, “and not just look for government handouts.’’

 After a low-key campaign, one of West Lebanon’s premier local newspaper columnists succeeds in having a structure named for him: The Dan Mackie Temporary Bridge. “We’ve never named a temporary bridge before,’’ said Armand “Ard” Patch, district supervisor for the New Hampshire Division of Tolls and Bridges, “but when we received his written request on a postcard, we said, what the heck. It’s only temporary.”

 The Valley News reports a troubling trend among technologically addicted couples who text each other even when both are at home. “It just seems a bother, to, you know, switch over to talking when I have my iPhone right at my finger tips,’’ says Wendy Zune of Enfield. “Isn’t that right, honey?” Y-e-s, d-e-a-r, types her young husband, Steve, on his dark blue Blackberry.

The writer lives in West Lebanon. He can be reached at dan.mackie@yahoo.com.